You’re Hired
Some Elementary school, Somewhere in Tennessee probably.
*Knock Knock*
Secretary: Hey Fred, your eleven o’clock interview is here. Want me to send him in?
Fred: Eleven o’clock? Oh yeah..for the new janitor position. I completely forgot… Give me five minutes then send him on in.
-These goddamn hemorrhoids are acting up, my asshole is on fire-
Fred sneaks out of his office and runs to the bathroom. Inside the stall he drops his pants and begins to scratch his itchy asshole. With eyes closed, experiencing mild relief from the overwhelming discomfort. Mid scratch Fred hears two young boys come into the bathroom.
Unknown child: Hey look dude, Principal Miller is taking a shit. What a fuckin’ loser.
The two boys ran out laughing hysterically as Fred sat there contemplating why he ever became a principal in the first place. After scratching his ass excessively Fred washes his hands and heads back to his office. As Fred opens his office door he see’s his interviewee sitting in the chair across from his desk playing with his Rubik’s cube that sits next to his computer monitor.
Fred: Good day sir, thank you for coming in.
-Fucking hell man! My ass itches so bad, I can’t do this today.-
Terry: Hey man, whats up?
Terry stays sitting and puts his fist out for a fist bump. Fred, who was surprised by this, got confused and grabbed Terry’s fist shaking it up and down.
Fred: Sorry.
Terry: It’s all good man, ha ha. So what’s up with this Janitor gig?
Fred: Right, well first of all tell me a little bit about yourself.
-I have to get this fucker out of my office, I can’t handle this itchy ass another minute-
Fred squirms in his seat, hoping to relieve the discomfort.
Terry: Yeah man no prob. So my name is Terry but my dudes out west call me Tickle Terry for short. I dropped out of high school to pursue a career as a lifeguard, moved to Tampa and everything. Cause’ we all know that’s like the Hollywood of life guarding. Didn’t work out though, this young fine piece of tail came up to me on my second day of the job and was all like, “I’m 18” and I just told this beautiful brunette that’s cool, right? So we start chillin’ and I’m lovin’ it but turns out ole’ girl was like eleven. Fucked right? So then I go down state and do a hard 5–10 for some shit that was totally unfair. Anyway, I’m originally from Missouri, We call it Misery because that shit’s miserable bro. I caught a case back there too for some totally fucked shit and….
Fred farts hoping it will soothe his fiery ass. He didn’t care if it was loud, at this point he just wanted some relief.
*Pffffttttt*
Fred: Sorry.
Terry: Aye, you had some fuckin’ Guac’ didn’t you ya filthy bastard ha ha. I like that shit. But anyway, my second case, right? Yeah, so after I got out of prison last year I moved back home to Misery, ha ha. Yeah, and I was livin’ with the parents, who are total cucks by the way. I’m lookin’ for a job right and I get one at this little gas station down the road from the crib. I meet these cool dudes and they invite me out to the skate park, I’m like rad, right? Anyway, there is this super thick cutie down there who kept giving me crazy eyes. Turned out she just had a lazy eye but still, she was into me. I know what you’re thinking, and yes bro first thing I asked this tease was, “You 18?” and she was all like, yeah and shit. So we slide down to the park and get to wrestlin’ and what not then her parents show up. BRO! This chick was like twelve, got my ass again. So I ran, of course right? I’m technically still on the run cause’ this was like two weeks ago. But yeah dude, I can clean up vomit like the best of em. Let me get the spot or i’ll literally kill you right now.
A few seconds go by and Fred realizes Terry stopped talking.
-Fuck, he’s done talking. I didn’t hear a word this idiot said. I have to go get some preparation H or i’m going to kill myself.-
Fred: Uh, Can you start Monday?
